Today I feel uncontrollably …

Let’s start here:

Today I feel uncontrollably consumed by my desire to move forward. I spent what I would consider the greater half of my weekend preparing a fundraiser that I was asked to discontinue for sake of status. Pride is the devil. There’s a theory I was introduced to as a teenager it read: “a closed mouth does not get fed.” Equally, as an adult, an idea that I frequently stumble while researching discussions of social and economic justice, reads to the extent of: “it is not the unwillingness of the individual to seek/utilize resources, but the lack of awareness that these resources exist that hinders/divides us.”

I’ve never been to prideful to ask for help. I learned that lesson early on. Considering the manner in which I carry myself, it would have been extremely complicated for someone to even pick up on how I was feeling if I did not share. I understood early on by observing the masculine personalities that sprinkled themselves throughout my community that some issues cannot be read at face value. Sometimes no one can see you struggling. It can be challenging to read depression on the face of someone who robotically keeps a smile on their face. But I digress …

When I received the call I didn’t know how to feel. I was being asked to limit myself to protect the pride of someone else. How are these types of situations even handled? I am one of the most selfless people I know but I felt conflicted because I do not believe it is right to ask someone to limit themselves for personal inheritance.

Before I received the call …

I proactively sent a link to all I believed would support me and made it accessible to everyone I follow on social media. Across 3 websites, Irregardless of the time period, with the exception of 2 people, no one responded. Not family not so called friends, no one. Between two sites more people “liked” the post and continued about their day than taking the moment to consider what the clear expectation would be if the shoe was on their foot.

Life’s been coming at me fast, but I equally learn as fast! Everyday I learn how far to extend my kindness and today I learned a invaluable lesson that I will never forget!

–Healing Out Loud



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